1975 – The Baby Sister

We were looking forward to the new baby…

I spent my time at the piano as usual, practicing new pieces, composing and writing music. I even wrote music for the baby… Since I already had two sisters I was hoping for a brother… and even on many occasions I thought that if the baby would be a girl I wished that she would die… I realize that doesn’t sound very good… but I was only a child… and I didn’t really understand much about death…

I didn’t plan on telling anyone but I told my mother about how I felt… after being picked at by my sisters… just a normal sibling quarrel… I don’t know how she felt about what I told her at the time and in fact I feel she didn’t think much of it… but later …she used it against me for the rest of her life…

Angela and Maria had been home for summer…. It was over once again…  Aunt Maria had come to take them back….

Mother had the baby…it was a girl…and she was still born….

From there on my life changed… Now I had proof that my mother had been right all along… I believed that this was my fault…  I was afraid of myself… I became afraid of my thoughts… I knew that from now on I had to be tortured… I understood her reasons…. and I knew I should be grateful for what she was doing…. I deserved it…  My thoughts were the reason for the baby’s death.

Every day she had reminded me of how bad I was… of how evil I was… and that I had to suffer… My mother said I didn’t deserve to be loved…  She said I’d be put in jail for that and locked up in a small dark box… 

I didn’t fully understand all of it…not until the day my sister was born….   I  truly believed that I was evil and that my sister was dead because of me….

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